Who Is That Ugly Child ?
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There seemed to be something a little different about the ranch house that day,
but the Giggly Sisters couldn’t quite put their fingers on it. Or not until they
saw Joe. He was a lot older all of a sudden, and it appeared that Pa had lost
the battle over the length of his hair. It certainly was long enough to belong
to a riverboat gambler.
“Joe?” said the redhead. She smiled, as she liked long hair on a bloke, and
apart from that, Joe was just as golden-hued and muscular as ever.
“Morning girls,” Joe said, putting his arms round them, and giving them both a
loving kiss. His green/hazel eyes twinkled. “How are you this morning?”
There was a sound behind them, and the sisters turned to look at a small boy
with hideously crinkled orange hair. He was incredibly ugly, and he was gazing
at them with undisguised awe.
“Who is that ugly child?” asked the blonde, in her private school accent, which
meant that her diction was ringingly clear.
Joe winced. “That’s Jamie,” he said. “Pa keeps telling me he’s a Cartwright,
too, but I don’t believe it.”
“Don’t tell me Ben’s got a mistress somewhere?” scoffed the redhead. “Or that he
got married again?”
“No,” Joe said. “He just came home with Jamie one day, and then after a time,
said he was going to adopt him.”
“Well, then he isn’t a Cartwright,” said the blonde, relieved.
Joe looked relieved. He also looked pretty gorgeous too. No change there then,
the girls thought thankfully. The child wandered over and regarded the sisters
closely. No doubt he was overwhelmed by their radiant beauty, Joe thought. Or
perhaps it was the fact that Paw, their pet bear, had popped his head out of the
blonde’s handbag and was looking around in great interest.
“You’ve got a tattoo!” Jamie announced. Quite frankly, it has to be said that
his enunciation was not what it could have been. The redhead flicked his
inquiring fingers away from her right shoulder.
“My, aren’t you observant!” she said in tones of deepest disdain, coloured by a
little repugnance. Up close, his deficiencies were even more obvious. Not only
was his hair a repulsive shade, he had a flattened nose and was covered in
freckles.
Paw shuddered in distaste and jumped into Joe’s arms for a reassuring cuddle.
“I don’t really see why Pa bothered adopting him,” Joe reflected. “If he was
feeling lonely, he could have just got a pet, like Paw. He’s a lot less bother
and considerably nicer looking.”
Jamie screwed up his face in an annoying way that was meant to show great
emotion/deep thought/befuddlement. “I am a Cartwright!” he pronounced and a deep
shudder ran through Joe.
“I’ve already got two brothers!” he protested weakly and then looked around.
Sure enough, Hoss was busy in the barn, but now that Joe came to think of it, he
hadn’t seen Adam for some time. Several series, in fact. Still, the fact
remained that Adam was his brother, even if he was never talked about. Joe
wondered what Adam was doing and hoped he had found the success he had so
desperately sought.
“I appeal to the younger audience!” Jamie continued and the blonde struggled to
resist the urge to belt him with her handbag. Joe pouted slightly and the
redhead rushed to reassure him.
“Don’t worry poppet! His main function is actually to make you look even more
handsome and gorgeous than ever.”
“That’s right,” agreed the blonde. “And he’s so ugly that he even makes Hoss
look pretty.”
“Now that you come to mention it,” Joe said, “I noticed that, too.”
“I’ve led a hard life,” Jamie said, his murky coloured eyes filling with tears.
He sniffed repulsively.
“Use a handkerchief,” said the redhead, in tones that her daughters would
recognise instantly. It worked on Jamie, too, as he dragged a cotton square out
of his pocket, and blew ferociously. The redhead rolled her eyes. “I don’t know
that I didn’t prefer the sniffing,” she said. “Now run along to school and get
into trouble with your school teacher.”
“You’re being nasty to me,” sobbed Jamie. He really didn’t have the colouring to
look good crying. In fact, he didn’t have the colouring to look good full stop.
“I’ll tell Pa on you.”
“Nothing you tell Pa about these girls will surprise him,” Joe assured the
ginger dwarf. “Now run along, and get on that horse which is far too big for
you, and hop off out of shot.”
“At least my hair’s naturally red,” Jamie said, as a parting shot.
“Which is precisely why my hair is this colour,” said the redhead, unperturbed
by his venom. “It’s red, not ginger. See the difference? Have you ever thought
of dying it?”
Jamie looked offended, at least the sisters thought that was his intention. His
acting really wasn’t the up to the finely honed performances the rest of the
cast turned out.
“Or you could try a paper bag,” the blonde advised helpfully.
“I’m very popular, you know!” the brat screamed indignantly and Joe buried his
head in his hands. This really was too much for the sisters.
“Oh no you’re not!” the redhead said, remembering her days in panto and
advancing purposefully.
“No one is ever going to talk about a “Jamie/Pa moment” in reverend tones, are
they?” asked the blonde rhetorically.
An expression, which might have been confusion (or then again, it might have
been constipation) flitted across Jamie’s face. “What are you talking about?”
Joe took pity on the ginger dwarf. “All fans love a Joe/Pa moment. It comes
after I’ve been maimed and Pa takes me in his arms and cradles me lovingly. Then
I look up at him and whisper “Pa!” and everything turns out alright.”
The sisters swooned, mentally replaying a few of their favourite JPMs.
“Why am I here then?” Jamie asked unhappily.
The door opened and Ben strode across the yard. “That’s easy, son!” he bellowed
cheerfully, clapping a hand forcefully on the unfortunate child-actor’s
shoulder. “You serve as a uniting force. You see, for a long time, the Adam and
Joe fans were at one another’s throats. So we simply introduced you as the
character that everyone could hate!”
“Oh.” Jamie couldn’t really think of anything else to say. “So what happens
then?”
Joe smiled happily. “We all become very rich and I go on to have an incredibly
successful career in television. The Cartwrights are adored by fans all over the
world and some of them even write stories about us.”
“And me?”
“No. Well, I do recall one story where you were run over and killed by Santa
Claus’s reindeer,” said the redhead. “I thought it was a very appropriate ending
for you. Do you know, in one ep, you had your first girlfriend acting with you?”
Joe grinned broadly. “Didn’t she fancy me in that ep?” he asked.
“Who wouldn’t?” the blonde asked. She goosed him briskly.
With a howl of despair, the dreaded Jamie turned tail and fled the house,
sobbing violently. The girls and Ben all smiled at Joe, who grinned back. “It’s
so nice to be just us again, isn’t it?” he asked.
“True,” said Ben, who went to give Joe a small hug.
“Look, a JPM just for us,” sighed the sisters.
“Normal service is resumed,” said Joe.
He woke with a start, and looked across at himself in the mirror. His hair was
short again, and Joe wondered if this was a nightmare. Was he really going to
have an ugly ginger dwarf as an adopted brother? He hoped not.
Next moment, the door bust open, and the girls came dashing in. They had managed
to get up early, and were bringing breakfast back to bed with them. Paw bear was
snuggled up against the pillow.
“I had this really weird dream,” Joe said.
The End
Giggly Sister Productions
February 2003